Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. (Thank goodness!)
I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be
coming, I've made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a
trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming
lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or
crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will
get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic
Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I
promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration that has
been hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me
it's a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you
wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made
regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that
most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey
was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal
drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of
tribal drumming or that the tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen
turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start
of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also
decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds,
please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of
harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate
room. Next door.
Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front
of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our
dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I
stress "private" meaning this: Do not, under any circumstances enter the
kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on
my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to
reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Oh before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice
between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional
pumpkin pie. Garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will
have a choice. Take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. Come to think of
it, she probably won't make it next year either. I am thankful!
~~Author Unknown
Five years ago:
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