Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration that has been hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it's a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming or that the tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning this: Do not, under any circumstances enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Oh before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie. Garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will have a choice. Take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. Come to think of it, she probably won't make it next year either. I am thankful!
~~Author Unknown
Five years ago: Promotional Pie Pickup
Wonder where she will go? She's not coming here either!! We'll be lucky if everyone brings their assigned items and we get them onto the table at the same time.. the turkey will be "carved" (?) in secret here too!
ReplyDeleteYour celebration sounds more inviting to me than anything Martha could put together.
DeleteBob says the turkey will be hacked with two waiting 4 legged, tails twitching, creatures hoping to get to the platter before us!!
ReplyDeleteThis is so hilarious! There's at least one laugh-out-loud thing in every single paragraph!
ReplyDeleteThat is so funny. 'Perfect' meals are unrealistic.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kathy, for the laughs this holiday morning and wishing you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving no matter how or where you will celebrate.
ReplyDeleteHappy Thanksgiving!
ReplyDeleteShe won’t be at my place either! Happy Thanksgiving 🦃
ReplyDeleteHappyThanksgiving!
ReplyDeleteI love this. I hope your Thanksgiving is a great one.
ReplyDeleteFrozen turkey in the dryer, lol. Love this. Enjoy your holiday.
ReplyDeleteWhen our family lived on Flora PL years and years ago, the Flora PL association passed out paper bag luminaries to all the homes. They went from Tower Grove to Grand on both sides of the street.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds cool.
DeleteSounds familiar! I wonder how many of us live up to the commercial Christmas ideal. Very few I imagine - and they're probably so stressed they don't enjoy it anyway.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree!
DeleteHappy Thanksgiving and God bless you all.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
Deletelol I did a hack job on the turkey this year. Mostly because it fell apart as I was cutting it. At least it wasn't dry. lol
ReplyDeleteToo funny! I'm glad she didn't come my way either!
ReplyDeleteThanksgiving has become much less formal than when I was growing up with lots of "rules". We now wear jeans, serve buffet style, and serve on throw away plates... but we are all relaxed and enjoy each other's company.
ReplyDeleteYes!
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