- Most Blues begin "Woke up this mornin'..."
- "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick somethin' nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then
find somethin' that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Yeah, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got
teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pounds."
- The Blues is NOT about choice. You are stuck in a ditch, you are stuck in a ditch-- ain't no way out.
- Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin'. Walking plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
- Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
- Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are good places to have the Blues. New Orleans, Memphis, Greenwood, Mobile and Statesboro are even better places to have the Blues cause that's where Blues was born. Actually, a dirt farm in the Mississippi delta is the best possible place to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
- A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.
- You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is all wrong. Go outside to the parkin' lot or sit down by the dumpster.
- Good places for the Blues:
a. highwayb. jailhousec.empty bedd. bottom of a whiskey glassa. Nordstrom'sb. gallery openingsc. Ivy League institutionsd. golf courses
- No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an ol' person, and you slept in it.
- Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:a. you older than dirtb. you blindc. you shot a man in MemphisNo, if:a. you have all your teethb. you were once blind but now can seec. the man in Memphis livedd. you have a 401K or trust fund
- Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wineb. whiskey or bourbonc. muddy waterd. nasty black coffee
- If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the 'lectric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
- Some Blues names for women:a. Sadieb. Big Mamac. Bessied. Fat River Dumpling
- Some Blues names for men:a. Joeb. Williec. Little Willied. Big Willie
- Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
- Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit, Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,(etc.)c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
- It doesn't matter how tragic your life... if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues