Too Good Not To Share

From a friend:

• When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. 

• To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it. 

• The older I get, the earlier it gets late. 

• When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

•  Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

• I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. 

• I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

• Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers. 

• If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"

• When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

• Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight. 

• I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

• I run like the winded.

• I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on. 

• When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

• I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

• When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

• I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

• When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

• It's the start of a brand-new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

• Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

• That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

• Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

Five years ago: One Dessert, Two Events