Happy Mother's Day to all moms, grandmas, and mother figures who were honored today. I hope that your day was everything you wanted it to be. I couldn't find the author of this job description, but I think it is spot-on. Enjoy!
POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mama
JOB
DESCRIPTION:
Long
term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often-chaotic
environment.
Candidates must
possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to
work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24
hour shifts on call.
Some overnight
travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends
and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not
reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be
willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing
to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack
mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this
time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing
to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone
calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework
projects.
Must have ability
to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental
outlooks.
Must be willing
to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle
assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery-operated
devices.
Must always hope
for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume
final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities
also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY
FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in
the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating
your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS
EXPERIENCE:
None
required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting
basis.
WAGES
AND COMPENSATION:
Get
this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is
due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you
give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme
is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental
insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock
options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal
growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Five years ago today: Lubed Lips Lamentation