New Computer Virus

This IS a bad one! If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes," DELETE IT IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. This one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on all of your credit cards.

If the message is opened in a Windows environment, it will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your DVD, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD you attempt to play!

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's temperature settings so that all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles, and it programs your phone autodial to only call your mother-in-law.

It will leave the toilet seat up and your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and soda. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause toe jam and bellybutton fuzz to migrate to your armpits. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boyfriend/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your credit card.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will replace your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease, Tinea, and cause you to run with scissors and throw things.

This virus is both insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to experience. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE!!! The survival of human life on earth as we know it is at stake!